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(rub a dub dub)

[21 May 2009|12:58am]
i understand parents that work hard at traumatizing their children. that way, they will never miss a thing about their lives before they move out of the home.

(4 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

hello my livejournal [05 May 2009|11:49pm]
i miss you. you were always better than myspace and facebook and all the things i left you for. i would read about my friend's thoughts and troubles through you. now i get a quick blurb, like a thought bubble over someones head, and thats supposed to reveal something about them. i've been too honest through you, and i thank you giving me that opportunity.

i look down on everyone that deleted their livejournals. why not keep a log of all those memories? so what if they are embarrassing. that was us. it still is. even if you don't remember, i do.

(1 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[24 Aug 2008|10:02pm]
just to keep a proper timeline of events i will write in here. may was the last time i had written. everything has fallen apart since then. internally, not externally. which matters more?

(rub a dub dub)

[05 May 2008|02:40pm]
just didn't want to leave writing here on a bad note. just know i am okay, i may feel as complete as i ever have in my entire life (which sometimes scares me because either a fall or death must be around the bend) anyhow, things are good. don't worry about me for now.

(1 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[11 Feb 2008|05:49pm]
i came to place some flowers on your grave.

i'm still here



(3 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[26 Sep 2007|03:19am]
i heard all these lines before. been in these crowds before. been on these drugs before. been into these girls. been in and out of these songs.

serial killers are interesting me more than the common folk.

something terrible is happening inside of me.

i'm sorry.

hide. hydra. snake bite mine. rattling. rattle snake.

d e m on

(rub a dub dub)

[11 Sep 2007|01:25am]
"its all happening"

(3 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

a quote about passion i can agree with [09 Sep 2007|03:16pm]
"Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer."

most people that exude an air of "passion" do so only for show, for self assurance. people attracted to "passionate" people are also only looking for that external exuberance. most people will flee from any person with a calm and steady obsession or passion.

"it means to suffer"

(5 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[09 Sep 2007|01:49am]
though i thought it was just another bit of useless information when i first heard about it, like most traumatic news, it planted and grew into something bigger as the days went on.

lauren innocently told me that devon ( a pretty young boy i met briefly 4 years ago, and saw again just a few weeks ago ) had sex with my very first girlfriend, whom is now a coke head...

i heard this first a week ago and disregarded it as gossip. and then later i thought about this girl i hadn't thought about in years.... how we were in love yet never slept together because she didn't think sex was just something to be thrown around.... and who never did drugs because she was straight edge..... and broke up with me because she wanted to concentrate on school and get out of florida and make something of herself...

somehow ended back up in florida, a drug addict, and sleeping with a boy that is so new to the world you would feel sorry if you met him....

and i realized that sometimes i get so angry..... and even angrier that i cannot blame anyone for the things that are going on around all of us.

driving around the back roads of west palm beach helps this situation none at all.

in my sisters room i see 4 photos or so hanging on the walls. there used to be around 200.... friends, family, aquaintances, exboyfriends.... which all eventually came to be replaced by a few sleazy drug addicts and their drug addict friends.

i think about my past sometimes and think "was i here? did this really happen to me? was i a part of all these memories? or did i make them all up?"

because if you see __ + __ = 3, you obviously cannot fill in the blanks with a 5 and a 6. you have to choose a few of the loneliest numbers....to end up at a boring number like three.

but at the time.... i felt we were a 5... maybe a 6.... maybe even an 8 or a 9....

i hope everyone is happy. (and i mean that sarcastically)

(7 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[05 Sep 2007|04:49pm]
the worst immediate change during a break up is the affect sappy songs have on me. songs i usually pay no attention to, tune out, ignore, now seem amplified and directed only at me. its only in public places...... a walgreens, a publix, bryan adams or rod stewart comes on and i'm fighting back tears.

in regards to something scott said, that i thought about and expanded upon before agreeing with. "evolution, not revolution"

revolution implies an immediate change using force. it comes out of desperation, or frustration. the word itself gives away its own cyclical nature. revolutions are forced and only bide time until the next. evolution is a step forward that cannot be taken back, and at this stage, it is completely voluntary (though i see it as a necessity)

i respect that this type of change is voluntary, in no way possible to force down peoples throats. the desire for us to evolve comes solely out of compassion for the human race, while revolution, from my experience, only comes from personal dissatisfaction with self.

in summation, i hate punk.

and i am looking forward to life.

(1 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[21 Jul 2007|12:08pm]
This quote i used earlier this year, but i do not remember the context.

it has now come up during three of my classes this year. the third, and most surprising being my astronomy class

"This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper"

i am to understand that these meaningful coincidences emerge to let one know that one is on the right track on a specific path

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events which occur in a meaningful manner, but which are causally inexplicable to the person or persons experiencing them

- It was a principle that Jung felt encompassed his concepts of archetypes and the collective unconscious, in that it was descriptive of a governing dynamic that underlay the whole of human experience and history — social, emotional, psychological, and spiritual.

(4 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[18 Jul 2007|02:00pm]
last night before i went to bed i spoke to Toni of the shared vision we had of Jesus Christ watching over us in the corner of her room in Cocoa beach last November. we had the same vision, but on separate nights. she listened to me describe him, and said her vision was directly out of "a book or something"

mine was similar. Jesus was softly glowing, and had his arms raised. another detail that came to mind was interesting. he was blurry. i didn't have my glasses on, because i had been sleeping.

i did not understand why this was relevant immediately. today, i realized it is because of this. if the image Jesus had been merely a hallucination created by my mind, i am certain he would have been in focus. the same way that in my dreams i don't wear glasses but all the images are clear, my mind would have created a crystal clear hallucination of Jesus Christ.

why was he blurry?

anyhow, Toni fell asleep and i decided i would pray to God and ask Jesus to enter my life. this thought, this prayer, for me, is always accompanied by a horrible feeling of hesitation and fear. i usually end up rolling over on my stomach. this is usually my way of telling God the conversation is over.

anyhow, i fell into that strange point between sleep and wake. i kept thinking of Shinto, the Japanese worship of spirits, because of the report i have been doing on Seppuku for my mythology class. Japanese symbols kept floating past my eyes, and i wanted to wake Toni and tell her how important this was.

i got up and walked out of my room because the air felt so hot that i couldn't breathe properly. i opened my door and saw all these little green, blue, and red lights. (now, i am certain that these were just the lights from the computers in our living room) but at the time, i was certain that i had been abducted by an alien spacecraft so that they could monitor my dreams and my sleep habits.

i was not scared by this. i realized it was best that i laid back down, in order to not disrupt their scientific study of myself.

this morning.......i am tired

(2 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[16 Jul 2007|12:00am]
i came up with a theory about God that seemed interesting to me while i was eating peanut butter and apple slices.

art comes from struggle and imperfection. God cannot create art because their is no struggle or imperfection within Him. He would probably draw a perfect circle in the sky, design a complex, efficient, but relatively boring nervous system, intestinal system, etc... a life without art, of course, is terribly boring. so He creates imperfect beings, rather, beings unable to reach perfection, lacking the simple skill of understanding our function and place in the universe, so that we, through our imperfections, frustrations, misunderstandings, may create art. and through this, He is thoroughly entertained, and all is right with the universe.

now my stomach hurts, because i ate too many apples with peanut butter on them.

my theory is probably not original, but i do not know a term for it. it reminds me of a theory i read in The Book of Lies that claims beings from other planets and dimensions only pay attention to us humans, though we are completely inferior to them, because of the music we make. it is enthralling to them.

(rub a dub dub)

[14 Jul 2007|09:55pm]
In Buddhism, any person who has awakened from the "sleep of ignorance" (by directly realizing the true nature of reality), without instruction, and teaches it to others is called a Buddha.

1. To refrain from taking life. (i.e. non-violence towards sentient life forms)
2. To refrain from taking that which is not given (i.e. not committing theft)
3. To refrain from sensual misconduct (abstinence from immoral sexual behavior)
4. To refrain from lying. (i.e. speaking truth always)
5. To refrain from intoxicants which lead to loss of mindfulness (refrain from using drugs or alcohol)

the fifth, i would like to think, is the only one that i struggle with. it is strange though, to see the ideals one has been living with for years placed neatly in a list that has existed for almost 2,000 years.

6. To refrain from eating at the wrong time (only eat from sunrise to noon)
7. To refrain from dancing, using jewelery, going to shows, etc.
8. To refrain from using a high, luxurious bed.

#'s 6,7,8 i have never seen or attempted to follow before. but i do think number 8 is funny. i have never enjoyed having a real bed. i have always preferred a mattress low to the ground, no bed frame.

(1 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[30 Jun 2007|12:01pm]
these are the things that are on mind:

pollen boy
chicken-pox boy
strange symmetry
organs, cellos and violins
God, The Devil and Hell

this quote over and over in my head:

"June twenty-ninth. I gotta get in shape. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight."

and one that compliments that quote:

"All the animals come out at night - whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets."

and this one makes me laugh and laugh:

Wizard: "I envy you, your youth. Go on, get laid, get drunk. Do anything. You got no choice, anyway. I mean, we're all fucked. More or less, ya know."

Travis Bickle: "I don't know. That's about the dumbest thing I ever heard."

thats all from Taxi Driver

anyways, I watched the Fountain and thought it wasn't made the way it should have been, but I thought it was beautiful anyhow. And I watched Indiana Jones and Last Crusade which made me want to be an adventurer more than anything else has in years. And I watched The Holy Mountain which frightened me but made me realize more than ever that God goes hand in hand with Buddhism more than it ever could with Christianity. But I don't believe in Buddhism entirely either. All these religions are merely attempts at deciphering a language we do not understand. I also watched Trip to the Moon, which is so cute. I wish space travel was really as exciting as this movie made it seem. You don't need space suits, just umbrellas to fight off monsters that lurk on the moon.

I am on the verge of something very profound. I wish I knew what it was so I could take the next step.

(3 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[15 Jun 2007|03:50pm]
i have heard or read or said many insightful things over the last few months. my mind has been a beehive, buzzing. there is, unfortunately, no one to share any of these things i keep collecting with. most my friends are dead or in hiding. hiding from me? i don't know.

"if art does not serve as a medicine to society, then it serves as a poison"

i drove home down dark roads last night alone with the windows down and a little drunk and it was one of the most fulfilling experiences i have had in my life. i think i will miss going on tour for the rest of my life, but i am thankful that i was able to experience that for at least one glorious summer.

life is strange.

(5 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[01 Jun 2007|10:45pm]
we got a puppy two weeks ago. this is a photo.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

we should have taken it two weeks ago, i think he's already gotten way bigger.

other than that i have done a lot of homework. i have written three songs that are the silliest i have ever written. i hung out with bobby and then eric the next weekend. went to a strip club like 3 times. life is pretty good. i have been reading and writing a lot. even if it is just homework. progress is good.

(1 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

injured little injun [15 May 2007|12:12pm]
new echo me song/sound. this isn't finished i just wanted to see what some people thought. click the link below to hear it. no vocals yet.


other than this, i've been doing school work, and it actually feels pretty good. i can feel my brain expanding, and somehow, all the subject of my classes seemed to collide. we are studying jungian archetypes in 3 different classes somehow. i don't know where astronomy fits in, but maybe it will find a place.

(5 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[04 Apr 2007|03:29pm]
i wish i were goth.

(1 boys in a tub | rub a dub dub)

[29 Mar 2007|12:45am]
i am become death.

no seriously, i will completely consume this place.

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