though i thought it was just another bit of useless information when i first heard about it, like most traumatic news, it planted and grew into something bigger as the days went on.


lauren innocently told me that devon ( a pretty young boy i met briefly 4 years ago, and saw again just a few weeks ago ) had sex with my very first girlfriend, whom is now a coke head...

i heard this first a week ago and disregarded it as gossip. and then later i thought about this girl i hadn't thought about in years.... how we were in love yet never slept together because she didn't think sex was just something to be thrown around.... and who never did drugs because she was straight edge..... and broke up with me because she wanted to concentrate on school and get out of florida and make something of herself...

somehow ended back up in florida, a drug addict, and sleeping with a boy that is so new to the world you would feel sorry if you met him....


and i realized that sometimes i get so angry..... and even angrier that i cannot blame anyone for the things that are going on around all of us.


driving around the back roads of west palm beach helps this situation none at all.


in my sisters room i see 4 photos or so hanging on the walls. there used to be around 200.... friends, family, aquaintances, exboyfriends.... which all eventually came to be replaced by a few sleazy drug addicts and their drug addict friends.

i think about my past sometimes and think "was i here? did this really happen to me? was i a part of all these memories? or did i make them all up?"

because if you see __ + __ = 3, you obviously cannot fill in the blanks with a 5 and a 6. you have to choose a few of the loneliest numbers....to end up at a boring number like three.

but at the time.... i felt we were a 5... maybe a 6.... maybe even an 8 or a 9....


i hope everyone is happy. (and i mean that sarcastically)