(rub a dub dub) [26 Dec 2009|05:31am] roboms Another shitty night. Typical problems reemerge. Can't get my head straight. I don't feel much pain but the feeling of total discomfort is encasing. I had a long talk with my brother tonight about everything. I think I'm going to schedule a bunch of doctor's appointments this week and try to get every little thing that haunts my mind from getting peace taken care of, tested, discussed, whatever. I need to stop feeling this way. I need to feel good again. I want to feel good again so badly. I have to get out of this world I've created for myself. This world of loneliness and darkness. No one should have to live here. No one should even have to visit here. I want to lay down in the dark and close my eyes and drift off to sleep as my mind unwinds. Why must every little creak and change in my body cause me such paranoia? Why must I fall into this darkness again and again? I don't want to be here. When did growing up become such a traumatizing event? How was I ok for so long and then so not ok with this sudden change? How do I retrace my steps and undo what I've learned? Is it so unfair to want to be happy again? Is it possible to return to a normal state of mind? How can something like life become so tainted like this? What do I have to do to change this? I'll do anything. Just tell me what to do. Why do these tears escape from my eyes more often than not? Why have I let myself become such a mess? I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be so controlled by a force that has enclosed me. I'm trapped and I can't get out. I just want to get out. I just want to stop feeling so uncontrollably helpless. I want to feel hope and love and happiness and strength and comfort. I'm sorry if I did something to deserve this. I'm sorry if I did all of this to myself. I'm sorry I've let myself become this mess. Someone please just tell me what to do.

(rub a dub dub) [18 Dec 2009|07:54am] roboms I thought I was doing better. I've felt good since I've been in West Palm, but tonight I'm in rough shape again. I don't know why I keep letting this happen. All it takes is a little familiar pain and discomfort and I'm right back where I was, a mess of tears alone in an empty bed. I don't know why I can't control this. I hate how it can take total control of me, make me feel so helpless and hopeless and desperate. I really felt so different just moments earlier. I need to stay calm. Why do I let this freak me out so much. It's been happening for so long now and nothing terribly wrong has happened any of the occurrences, but I still can't feel like something else could be worse "this" time. I gotta stop thinking like that. I wish i could go out and interact with people, but I'm too damn scared. I wish i could just go to sleep. I wish I could wake up in a different state of mind. I've been so good these past few days. I thought I was getting over this. Fuck. I wish i was rich and could just go to a bunch of different fucking doctors and just do every test, just to get all this shit out of my mind. I don't even know what's in there anymore. I've had so many tests already, and it's always normal. Why do I keep searching for a reason to be unhealthy? If this is depression that causes this than why does it take effect even when I'm fairly content? How do I just be ok? I just want to know the answer to that. I want to know how to make my mind not lose control of these thoughts. I want to stop imagining the worst case scenario for everything. I wish i could erase my memory. I want to start over. I want to forget how to be so miserable. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be ok. What is causing this? What made all of this into a reality which was so impossible for me at one time? I have to get better. Permanently. I have to stop sinking into this misery. I have to keep working at this to get better. This needs to just be a distant memory. I don't even want to remember an ounce of this feeling, of these emotions and mental and physical negativity. Please something change my life for the better soon. Please.

(rub a dub dub) [17 Dec 2009|07:37pm] lovely_groom so maybe these past few weeks when iv been worrying about my friends issues and what not and trying to help them out iv neglected my own problems...well theyve caught up to me.

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